The Selana

So I've done this on my private, non-accessible journal a few times. What the hell, no one really reads my blogger, and while it'll cross-post to Facebook, I'm not worried. So here it is, my 29th year on this planet, in review:

• What did you do when you were 29 that you’ve never done before? Wow. Well, I aced a math class. I camped with the Hospitallers. I ended damaging friendships before they caused me lasting damage.
  
• Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Not really. Didn't make any though. Oh, wait!! I did drunk dial less!
  
• Did anyone close to you give birth? She was close when it happened. In fact despite what she has since said about me, I was probably the closest person to her beyond her husband. And I'm still bitter over the crazy switch she flipped.
  
• Did anyone close to you die? My very nearly father-in-law.
  
• What countries did you visit? Sadly, just the ones in my mind...
  
• What would you like to have in your 30th year that you lacked in in your 29th? My own place. A steady job. Quiet cats. A visit from the Poppet.
  
• What dates from last year will remain etched upon your memory, and why? GWW, because it was awesome, despite the fallout. Sept 19th, because of the bug, whom I will likely never see again *shakes fist*. February 10th, because if something lasts long enough, that's the day I get a rather random, yet applicable tattoo of a word. May War, because of a certain someone.
  
• What’s your biggest achievement of the year? I got a check in payment for something someone wanted to publish.
  
• What was your biggest failure? I have failed to secure a full-time, well-paying job.
  
• Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing out of the norm.
  
• What’s the best thing you bought? My iPod. His name is Ricky.
  
• Whose behavior merited celebration? I'm very proud of my mom. Also, the Poppet, for working harder on getting her life back on track, though it took a few false starts.
  
• Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Are we naming names now? Fuck it. Arabella, for a myriad of reasons, but mostly throwing away valuable friendships because she failed, most epic, at listening to people that cared about her. And then talking shit about people COMPLETELY unrelated to the incident involved.
  
• Where did most of your money go? Bills. And school.
  
• What did you get really, really excited about? May War, obvious reasons, plus a certain someone came down for it. My birthday, because my friends are awesome.
  
• What song will always remind you of being 29? Oh god, I'm gonna go so cheesy here, and I can't fucking help it. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
  
• Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Richer or poorer? Thinner or fatter? Happier. Poorer. Thinner.
  
• What do you wish you’d done more of? Taking more classes. Not second guessing my intuition.
  
• What do you wish you’d done less of? Stressing over things I have no control over.
  
• How did you spend Christmas? In Seattle. Generally hating life, and appreciating my friends, my relationship with my sister when we're apart, and beginning to suspect I was crushing on someone.
  
• Did you fall in love in this past year? No. It's not love. That's a bit strong. I'm not nearly ready for that.
  
• What was your favorite TV program? Top Chef/Life After People
  
• Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? To quote the emo kids of Plain White T's: "Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you..."
  
• What was the best book you read? Despite initial impressions, I'm gonna have to go with Endymion and Rise of Endymion. Go fig on the SciFi, eh?
  
• What was your greatest musical discovery? Vampire Weekend
  
• What did you want and get? Something I had no real clue I wanted, until I discovered I had it.
  
• What did you want and not get? To salvage my friendship with Roy (as we're naming names) and remain friends with Arabella.
  
• What was your favorite film of this year? Hmm... OOH!!! Star Trek!!
  
• What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 14, according to Erin. Before my birthday, I spent an awesome weekend with a certain, troublesome someone. Had dinner with the best friends EVER. Met some awesome peeps. Saw HP6 (which sucked so hard, it chewed. Vigorously. Relentlessly.You know what. I'm gonna say: As bad as Twilight. Yes. It disappointed me THAT MUCH.
  
• What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying
  
• How would you describe your personal fashion concept for 29? Comfortable.
  
• What kept you sane? My friends.
  
• What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Rupert Grint.
  
• What political issue stirred you the most? The Presidential election.
  
• Who did you miss? Roy. And Arabella. And Hannah. And the bug. Sometimes, people suck as bad as Twilight and HP6.
  
• Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year: See above. And add to that: But you have no control over that. So deal with it, and move the fuck on.
  

Posted by Selana at 8:28 PM | 0 comments Links to this post  

Okay... generally, I shun drama. I loathe it. After all, I survived Portland, with it's gloom and doom, Sparks&Dooky, and a trans-gendered-love-polygon. Beat that SanD peeps, I dare you.

Wait...

NO! I don't dare you. I'm not that crazy.

As I was saying, I generally shun drama. And then shit hit the fan. And then there was more. And then my ex-stalker showed up. And then I lost a friend due to idiocy, self-absorption, and someone flipping their bitch-switch. And then a friend/ex-BF decided he needed to flip his crazy-switch. And suddenly I find myself at the bottom of a pit with a fat lip and a bruised arm and a pissed cousin, 3 "friends" lighter, feeling like a pathetic, whiny bitch, and I'm looking around and thinking... where the hell did I make that wrong turn??!?

And so last night, I proclaimed my summer Drama-Free.

And posted such on my Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter.

The following is the conversation that took place on Facebook via comments.

This is why my friends are awesome.

This is why my summer will rock.

Selana Holloway at 9:49pm June 2
Attention: I now proclaim my summer drama free. I will refuse to accept any more servings of drama, I've had my fill thanks. Make a note.

Joy Manning, Doubting Thomas and Bruce Padget like this.

Doubting Thomas at 9:57pm June 2
I suppose this is a bad time to tell you that I'm desperately in love with you, and watching you from outside your residence right now, isn't it? I just need one more lock of hair for my shrine....

Joy Manning at 11:04pm June 2
Except for literary ones...? :)

Manu Mussen at 11:12pm June 2
this is far to fitting...
http://xkcd.com/592

Patrick Krause at 1:00am June 3
Good luck with that

Selana Holloway at 9:10am June 3
@Thomas Meh. That's cool. You're small enough that I can toss you off my porch if you get too obnoxious. And I need to trim my hair anyway, so if you just ASK, I'll give you that lock'o'hair. ANTIDRAMA ftw.

Selana Holloway at 9:11am June 3
@Joy Nope, not even literary dramas this summer, unless required by my english prof. Chosen reading genres for this season *thinks* Light, simple, non-brain taxing or life changing. ANTIDRAMA, ftw!

Selana Holloway at 9:14am June 3
@Manu *DIES* Suggestion: Let's just keep our own ANTIDRAMA rule to ourselves and not tell anyone anything... let them revel in their drama, or join the ANTIDRAMA movement themselves. People are too complicated to get it. ANTIDRAMA FTW!!

Selana Holloway at 9:15am June 3
@Patrick Thank you homie! I shall have good luck with that!! Because I say so!! What's that quote? "Be the change you want to see in the world"... yes... ANTIDRAMA For-The-mother-effing-WIN.

Posted by Selana at 9:17 AM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: Current Events, Friends, Life, relationships

Car packed, cats fed and cat-sitter planned for, we were on the road. Disco was far less packed then usual, the Slope was going light this war. No pop-up. No day shade. No firepit. Only 2 tables. We forgot a few things (lanterns being the main one), but the Slope was small this war, and frankly, I didn't have the energy to do more.

Every year, the route to war seems to get shorter and shorter. We were there in record time, checked in, and headed off to find the HoC encampment. We promptly got lost. Murcadh hadn't gotten there yet, and the sign blew off the stake, so we drove up and down, up and down, looking for the HoC encampment. We headed back to gate to see where they may be, and ran into Murcadh and family. Set up went quick, Methius showed up as we were unloading, and I rushed off to relieve THL Liadan who had opened Lists for me at Gate.

Lots of friends to greet, lots of fighters to tease. Lists at Gate is always a good time. Shortly after sitting down, His Highness, Prince Edward the Sinister, dragged his chair from Entry Porter position over next to me. We chatted about War, set-up, I coerced him into signing up on the List... Discussed growing up, driving, parents these days, etc. It was an incredible way to get over my still raging royal anxiety!

Mid-afternoon, my mom came up to tell me good luck fitting my bed into the earth pimple we'd borrowed. She took over Gate for me, and I trotted back to camp. Alexa saw me considering the logistics of a full sized futon in an earth pimple and generously offered her tent for Manu and I to use. I helped her move into my half of my Mom's tent, she helped me load my stuff into her tent. Then we started dinner. The keyed-down kitchen of the Slope was a lot less stressful, and far more simple, but it was pretty fantastic none the less. Dinner Thursday? Pasta with sausage. And I started sipping on the Limoncello I made. NOTE TO SELF: Make a batch like, NOW, and let it mellow till next year. This year's batch still had a mighty bite. Delicious, but it bit back.

As the sun began to set, Manu arrived. I shall spare you all the details of that reunion kiddies... it was what it was.

Thursday night at war was rather quiet, sitting around the HoCs campfire after being chastised to "stop being silly, quit hiding in the back, and come join them up front!!" by Methius and Murchadh. We retired rather early-ish, as there was still a whole weekend of war to get through, however, it must be said that the trepidation and dread with which I'd headed to war, quickly faded in the campfire light, surrounded by friends and adopted family...

A special note of thanks to Murchadh's son Tim, who was gifted to us for use as a mule during unload/set-up. He was gracious, helpful, and polite to the ladies of the Slope, and unloading/set-up would have taken a lot longer without his help.

Posted by Selana at 5:53 PM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: SCA

This May War was honestly one of the most emotionally draining wars EVER. It was, in fact, the culmination of "the best of times and the worst of times"

There was, of course, the obligatory prep work, that seemed to go for a couple months prior to war. Sewing, sewing, and more sewing. That's a given.

And then there was the drama. There's usually drama, as people are stressed, over-taxed, and pulled in too many directions. Normally, it's minor and settles out. This year, however, was over the proverbial top. For reasons that I shall not go into, someone that I thought was a very good friend decided I wasn't. My words were twisted to be used against me, lies were spouted like water from the Fontebranda. As one of my personal heroes pointed out well after the fact, clearly, she didn't actually know me, otherwise it wouldn't have occurred to her to say these things about me, and THAT is what really hurt. And it's true. For any of us. The realization that someone you care about doesn't know you, and apparently never cared enough about you TO know you, is the deepest cut of all. But this person has made her bed, and will have to sleep in it, and already, I am comforted by those around me, that didn't even know what happened, proving themselves better friends than I could have imagined.

Also pre-war, I had to take my final 2 weeks early, which meant that I missed the last class, and the study session in order to do so. This meant a lot of late nights up reading and writing to finish my assignments. I did manage to pull out a low A, so that's good. I really think that had I not had to miss the last lecture, it would be a solid A, but I'll take what I can get.

Of course, there was the build up of anticipation of finally getting to see Manu since this whole.... thing... started. No kiddies, still not ready to call him my boyfriend. Still not ready to call this a "relationship". We've happily agreed on the title "Bedwarmer" and that will stick for awhile yet. (But yes, I still do really, really like him, and yes, I still get a bit blushy and stupid when I talk about him)

And finally, there was a scramble to find a ride for Alexa. This being her last war, I really didn't want her to miss it, and as the weeks slipped by with no response to her queries, nor my Tweets/Status updates, I pulled out the big guns, did a massive cross-posting as Lady Isabeau d'Aquitaine, Head of the House of the Slippery Slope, and Baronial List Officer of Calafia. Murcadh responded (As did Seraphina) almost as soon as I posted, and a ride was procured.

Honestly, by the time I got to war, I was exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. And honestly, I was prepared for the worst...

to be continued...

Posted by Selana at 8:05 AM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: SCA

No sleep last night. Not a wink. Just as I started to doze off out of sheer exhaustion, my alarm went off.

*bangs head on keyboard*

Need sleep, but don't have time for a nap. Caffeine. Stat. Lots of it. Sure, I'll be a fucking spaz in about 6 hours, but those 6 hours will be hella productive!!!!

Please?

Posted by Selana at 10:00 AM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: Quick Updates

First, my apologies to the distant friends/loved ones that received much pestering this morning as my anxiety crested and panic flooded my psyche. I am, at the core, a strange, emotional, sensitive creature, but I mean well.

Second, I guess I should have checked my email earlier today, as the kismet of finding the following "Lit Quote of the Day" in my inbox may well have tipped me off:

It is thus, if there is any rule, that we ought to die--neither as victim nor as fanatic, but as the seafarer who can greet with an equal eye the deep that he is entering, and the shore that he must leave.

Howards End by E. M. Forster

And third, an explanation:

When I was very young, and my typically Cancerian shell had yet to harden, I was engaged to what remains in that shadowed, soft heart of mine, my cliched "first love." It was all sunshine, daisies and puppy dogs, in it's childish way. I know now, and I knew a year or so after, that it wouldn't have worked out in the end. The reasons are too numerous to share, nor do I want all of those that have access to this, to also have the ability to access those still tender memories of love's first blush and subsequent bruise. However, as fate would have it, while not meant to be, it was apparently not meant to suffer the typical dings and muck that accompany a relationship's bitter end. He died, doing what he loved. Yes, it was all very tragic, and I can speak of it now without a flinch, because it's been over 10 long years of life's ups, downs, and in-betweens since my very-nearly-Father-in-Law, who treated me as more of a daughter than my own father did, made that phone call to tell me the news. When I woke up from the dead faint I'd tumbled into, it felt as though the light had gone out in my little world. Of course, it hadn't, but at that age, the tiniest hiccup is a life or death situation... so when it comes to actual life and death...

Since then, I've kept in touch with his family. Went to his little brother's graduation, exchange cards, letters, gifts. And, at least once a year, his dad calls me to check in, check up, see how I'm doing. It's bittersweet for the both of us, as we carefully avoid the subject that brought us together in the first place. Lately, I've avoided it more for his benefit than mine, as that wound has well scarred over by now. In fact, this last year, I missed his call. I'd failed to transfer his number to my phone, and forgotten to tell him my new number. An email from his son a few weeks later sent me reeling as I realized that the day of our mutual loss had come and gone, and I hadn't noticed. Was I really so calloused? So jaded? So wrapped up in myself? Or was it simply a natural progression that my life ceased to come to a clattering halt once a year? The jury's still out on that one, some days I think it's option one... most I assume it's option two.

Saturday night, I slept fitfully, and woke up late Sunday morning. Anxiety that I first attributed to lack of sleep and running late, then to the stress of tracking the ransom tourney for the HoCs, then concern for a certain someone's flight, then irritation at the cold, exhaustion from the past week, etc. On and on, I found new causes to pin the sense of panic that was mounting. Anxiety dreams all night as I fixated on first one issue, then another. By the time I was done at the bakery, I was on a razor's edge of a full blown panic attack, and I couldn't explain why.

I became frantic. I needed to know... there had to be a reason... I hadn't had an episode like this in well over a year. Here's where those apologies at the beginning of this blog come in. I began calling and texting friends and family, nearly on the verge of hysterics as my anxiety came to a head.

And then the house phone rang. I answered it because I knew... I knew in my gut it was someone, with something, related to this spiral of panic.

Clint's dad had a stroke Saturday night, followed by a string of mini strokes and seizures. He died at around noon today, Oklahoma time. It wasn't entirely sudden. His family is reeling. I'm incredibly sad, and yet... relieved?

The only reason I'm blogging this is to fill in the people close to me with what sent me into my tizzy. Generally, when I go a bit crazy, there's some reason for it, I swear...

Don't comment. Don't "like this" on facebook. If I don't volunteer to talk about it, don't ask. Sometimes this crab needs to hole up in her shell and just let the waves crash around her for a bit.

Posted by Selana at 1:25 PM | 0 comments Links to this post  

Manu I seem to be in a strange mood tonight...

Selana do you?

Selana I wouldn't call it strange... attempting to fellate lobsters, now that's strange

Manu thats just creepy

Selana you seem to be a bit... playful?

Selana not the same as strange

Manu and now I'm half tempted to put that into google and hit "I"m feeling lucky"

Selana *giggles and claps her hands*

Selana do it

Selana do it

Selana do

Selana it

Manu not sure what I expected but this was not it

Manu http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x889038

Selana ummm.....

Selana *DIES*

Manu I mean its hilarious

Manu but not really what one expects from that search

Selana not really

Selana I'm trying it now

Selana *dies*

Selana http://www.scrawlingclaw.com/blogs/ArticleArchive/Entries/2006/6/1_Lobsters_Go_to_the_Movies.html

Manu hmm

Manu didn't click on that one

Selana not sure what i was expecting either, but I think this was closer to it

Manu it is a bit closer to it

Manu I'm kinda surprised I didn't see a single fetish site there

Manu what kind of internet is this

Manu I feel ripped off

Posted by Selana at 10:32 PM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: Chats, Quotable